I never thought that I could ever admit it to myself, but being locked up for so many years has made me start looking at how crazy my life really is. Spending so much time alone has forced me to think about all the mistakes I have made and why I made them. I can honestly say now that I have turned a corner. Although it was a slow process, it seemed to finally hit me, out of the blue. That was when I knew that whatever happened to me from then on was totally down to me.
I started reading and went through a period of about four years where I devoured every book I could get my hands on. Looking back now, It was like I was being reborn, like I was having a second chance at life and I grabbed it with both hands. I could not believe how much I was learning about life, but it didn’t only come from reading.
In prison I had many friends, but there were some guys who I thought were really special. They were the ones who were dating. Well that was the way I always thought about it. Some of these guys were writing to penpals. They referred to them as pen friends or companions but basically they were guys dating by writing to friends on the outside. Some of them were lucky because the women they were having a relationship with could visit them.
One thing I noticed about these guys. When they spoke about the women in their lives, about their relationships, their faces changed, they glowed with pride. I could see they had something special. Something I didn’t have and have never had. But I so wanted something like that. I wanted somebody to love, a companion, a loving companion. Somebody who could perhaps learn to love me. The question is, could anyone ever love me?
For so many years I had been living with this pain inside of me, and now I knew what it was. It was the pain of loneliness. Even although I had many friends before I was locked away, they were not real friends. My relationships never extended to love, they were really just about friendship, if even that. But now I wanted something real, I wanted a shared relationship. If that was possible for me in here.
I won’t give up hope.